Chapter Text
If I should stay
Well I would only be in your way
And so I’ll go, and yet I know
I’ll think of you each step of the way
Thursday 3rd June 1976
Lily chewed her lip, her quill scratching on the surface of the parchment paper in the Great Hall as the fifth years took their Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL. Lily stared at the grains of wood in her desk, trying to summon up more thoughts. She knew she’d written more on her exam than she really needed to, but if she had extra words…
She finally set down her quill, examining her paper and rereading through it. It was pretty good, but she was still worried that she wouldn’t get a passing grade on it. Lily glanced up at Flitwick, who was proctoring. She undid her ponytail, letting her hair fall back down on her shoulders. She turned to glance at Mary and Marls, who were sitting behind her. Mary stuck out her tongue, and Marls eased back on her chair, grinning at Lily.
“Quills down, please!” Professor Flitwick ordered, “That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment. Accio!”
The entire hall’s worth of parchment slammed into Flitwick with such force that he toppled over upon impact. Lily, being near the front, helped the professor up– who was still grinning and smiling. “Thank you… thank you,” he said, and smiled gamely at everyone, “Very well, everybody, you’re free to go!”
“You goody-two-shoes,” Mary said, rolling her eyes as Lily returned to her seat from helping Flitwick, “You’re gonna charm all of our teachers before we know it…”
Marlene handed Lily her bag, and the three girls went out of the hall, chattering happily. It was a warm, sunny day, hot and breezy at the same time.
“How do you think you did?” Lily asked the two girls as they descended down the lawn towards the lake.
“I did awful,” Mary said proudly. “But it’s fine, I just need to get an Acceptable…”
“I’m sure you did better than that,” Marls assured her.
“Yeah, you’re amazing at Defense Against the Dark Arts,” Lily agreed. “I was worried that I didn’t do well on my last paragraph, but I think I did ok otherwise.”
“I didn’t do awful,” Marls replied. “I didn’t do fabulous either, but I’ll take what I can get.”
The girls approached the lake, and they took their shoes and socks off, sticking their feet into the cool water and laughing as Marls did an impression of McGonagall during her career interview.
“The lady said that I would be good at anything I put my mind to,” Mary said, her face creasing. “I think that was the most basic answer she could’ve given me…”
“You’ll get something to do,” Lily assured her. “You’re really smart, and really good at Transfiguration.”
“Definitely better than me,” Marls laughed.
“Not better than Sirius or James,” Mary replied ruefully.
"I wonder if they're good because their parents taught them before Hogwarts?" Lily mused, frowning slightly.
"Pureblood privelege," Mary sighed.
A group of Slytherins passed by them, and Lily didn’t fail to notice the dirty looks they shot their way. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the constant attacks that the purebloods were sending their way, and sometimes Lily was starting to see that maybe the marauders weren’t so bad, as far as their retaliation went.
“Speaking of Sirius,” Mary continued, ignoring the Slytherins, “He keeps trying to come to my rescue and intervene whenever the purebloods try and come at me.”
“Is that good or bad?” Lily asked, looking over at the beech tree where Remus, Sirius, Peter and James were. James was being a prat as usual– he was messing up his hair and catching a Snitch that he’d probably stolen. He and Lily made eye contact, and Lily gave him a disgusted look before turning back to her friends.
“Mm,” Mary murmured. “I don’t like his white knight complex– I’d like to fight my own battles, you know– but then again, it’s nice to know that he cares that much.”
“It must be nice to have someone throw a punch every second they see a green robed student,” Lily said dryly.
“Oh, yeah, definitely,” Mary said, grinning at Lily.
Marls sighed. “Are you guys nervous for the summer?”
“Yeah,” Lily replied. “Tuney’s acting up, my neighbor moved away… I’ll have Sev, though.”
“We should hang out again this summer,” Mary said, laying on her back. “It was fun, last summer.”
“We need to–” But Lily never finished her sentence– she heard a commotion by the beech tree where the boys had been, and she saw Sev first, pink bubbles spilling out of his mouth and choking him–then she saw James and Sirius, pointing their wands at the unarmed boy. Lily stood up in a flash, running towards the three boys.
“Leave him ALONE!” Lily shouted, pushing through the rapidly growing crowd and glaring at the two teenagers standing over Sev.
James glanced at her, messing his hair up again, casually enough that Lily almost didn’t notice, but she did. “All right, Evans?” James said, turning to her.
“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated, glaring at him, wishing her stare would bore through his skull. “What’s he done to you?”
“Well,” James said, rather arrogantly, “it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…”
Lily glanced at Remus and Peter, who were still seated by the beech tree. Peter laughed loudly at Potter’s comment, but Remus didn’t, instead staring intently at his book. Lily wished he would at least try to get his friends to stop. He was a prefect too.
“You think you’re funny,” Lily said, her tone cold as she looked back at Potter, resolving to solve the issue on her own, “But you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”
“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” James said quickly, “Go on… go out with me and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.” Lily flushed, furious.
“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!” Lily shouted in reply, and she turned to face Sev, to help him up.
“Bad luck, Prongs,” Sirius said briskly, and turned back to Sev as well– but the boy had reached his wand as the spell had worn off, and was pointing it right at James. “OI!” Sirius shouted, but it was too late.
Sev had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light, and a large gash appeared on the side of James’s face, splattering his robes with bright blood. Lily gasped– it was the spell Sev had shown her only a few weeks before– Sectumsempra. James was quick, though, and a second flash of light later, Sev was hanging upside-down in the air, and his robes fell over his head to reveal skinny white legs and graying underpants.
The people in the crowd cheered, and the boys roared with laughter at the sight of Sev in the air, despite James’s still bleeding cut.
Lily’s stern expression twitched for a moment, betraying a flash of a smile before she demanded, “Let him down!” with a stamp of her foot.
“Certainly,” James said diplomatically, and he jerked his wand upwards. Sev fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. He quickly got back up to his feet, but Sirius immediately froze him again with a petrification hex, and he fell back to the ground.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted, finally having enough of it. She withdrew her own wand in a flash.
James and Sirius eyed her warily. She knew that as much as they hated Sev, it wasn’t as much as they didn’t want to curse her. “Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” James frowned.
“Take the curse off him, then!”
James sighed tortuously, then turned to Sev and muttered the counter-curse under his breath. “There you go,” James said, and he subtly swiped at his cheek, where blood was still leaking from. “You’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus–”
“I don’t need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!” Sev’s face wore nothing but rage and fury on it.
Lily's entire world froze. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even think. What had he called her?
Sev was her friend.
Her best friend.
Severus Snape wouldn't do that.
Ever.
There was a moment of silence– then James’s face twisted into a fury that Lily had never seen before. It took a moment for Lily to comprehend what Sev had said– but once she had, she’d decided.
“Fine,” Lily said, coldly, “I won’t bother in the future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.” She glared with a frigidity that she’d only ever reserved for… well, no one.
“Apologize to Evans!” James roared, brandishing his wand at Snape angrily.
“I don’t want you to make him apologize,” Lily shouted at James, rounding on him, “You’re as bad as he is…”
“What?” James reeled back, and Lily glared at him. “I’d NEVER call you a– you-know-what!”
“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can– I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”
She stormed off, shoving through the crowds, avoiding Mary and Marls and James’s calls after her. She’d just had her world completely blown apart, so she thought that she deserved a dramatic storm-off.
***
Lily didn’t remember getting to the Room, she only remembered that there was a haze of anger, bitterness, and tears as she ran through the hallowed halls of Hogwarts.
The room gave her exactly what she wanted– it hid her away, into a palace where no one could find her. She curled up on the couch that the Room had provided for her, and simply tried to piece through things.
The facts were too hard to face. Had she imagined it? It didn’t seem real. None of it could be true. She wished it wasn’t true– he’d called her a mudblood.
He’d never done that before.
She hadn’t thought, not once, that he would do that.
Despite all of his flaws, she’d always stood up for him. She’d never backed down from going off on Potter and Black whenever they would tease him– she was always the middle ground that was leaning more towards Sev.
And all of her friends had hated her for doing that. The countless arguments that she’d gotten into… and she’d never wanted to lose the arguments, so she just kept trying. Trying to fix her and Sev’s relationship, trying to fix herself, and trying to fix Sev. None of it had worked, in the end. Everything had fallen apart.
Mary and Marls would hate her, wouldn’t they? This was what they had been telling her for years– they’d always hated Sev. They’d always hated that Lily stood up for him. But now that they were definitely, one hundred percent right, wouldn’t they hate her? She’d let everyone down. No one would want to know her anymore– she’d failed.
Lily had never doubted that she would be able to fix Sev. She was so good at everything else– she knew she could fix Sev, even if it took a lifetime. But she’d never doubted that she could fix him, if she just tried hard enough.
She supposed that was the perfectionist in her.
But now that she’d let everyone down, and she’d failed, and she was still hated, what was she supposed to do? She didn’t know how it could’ve ended this way.
Lily spent an hour agonizing over these same facts and finally decided that she needed to go back to her dorm room.
She clambered out of the Room and made her way back to Gryffindor Tower– but she saw McGonagall, and in a stroke of genius (after all, she was prefect. Why not let the troublemakers get what they deserved?) she told the professor what had happened (eliminating some personal thoughts) and McGonagall agreed to give James and Sirius both detentions with Filch.
It was the least Lily could do for herself. It wasn’t as if she could get revenge in any other way– and after years of only defending Sev and never actually fighting back for herself (James had asked her out, in a form of blackmail– and Sev had called her a mudblood), she thought she deserved a little bit of revenge in the form of giving them detentions.
***
Lily hesitated before entering the portrait hole. This was what Mary and Marls had told her what would happen for the past five years. They’d always told her that Sev would do something like this eventually. Lily wasn’t entirely sure if they would act self-righteous or not. It wouldn’t be like them, but wouldn’t they have the right to do that? After all, it had been five years that they’d been telling her that.
Lily took a breath in, then–
“Lily?”
She whirled around, whipping her wand out at the boy who had called her a mudblood. “Don’t you dare come near me!”
Sev gave her that look that she’d always caved for, but now the only feeling she was able to muster up was disgust. “Lily, wait. I just wanted to talk.” He gave her a pleading expression, and she returned it with a look of distaste.
“How did you think I was going to respond to that– that?!” Lily advanced on him, knowing she looked insane. “Did you really think that I wasn’t going to be out of my mind, mad?”
“I don’t know–”
“And that’s the bloody issue, folks!” Lily laughed sarcastically, “That’s the issue with Severus bloody Snape, you never know what you’re doing!”
“Lily!”
“f*ck off, Snivellus,” She said, shooting him one final glare, and she left the him there, standing and looking like he was lost. She wasn't even sure if he knew what he'd done wrong, or if he'd just realized he had done something wrong and didn't care what it was, just that he would get Lily back.
“Where did you go?” Mary asked as Lily entered the dorm room, and she glanced up at Lily’s tear-streaked face. “Oh, hon…” Mary immediately leapt up, and embraced Lily tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
Lily burst into tears again, sobbing into her best friend’s shoulder. “I thought he– I thought he wouldn’t ever…” She was hiccuping now, unable to breathe properly. “I can’t– I can’t breathe–” She heaved in and out, and Marls ran into their dorm room, slamming the door.
“Ohmygod,” Marls rushed out, and she ran full force at Lily, hugging her as well. “We saw it all… we had no idea where you were,” Marls said, and she pushed away from Lily for a moment, to meet her eyes. “Don’t disappear like that– we thought that Mulciber, or Crouch, or Regulus…”
Lily shook her head. “No, I went to the room. I– I needed to be alone.” She swiped at her eyes, but it did nothing–tears still streamed down her cheeks in silvery rivulets that flooded her vision. “Don’t tell me “I told you so,” please don’t.”
“We wouldn’t,” Marls said firmly, and she and Mary exchanged a glance. “We won’t.”
There was a long pause as Lily sniffled, and she settled on the edge of her bed, her head bent. “He… meant it. When he said it.” She sniffed loudly. “He really meant what he said– did you see his face?” She shook her head, scrubbing at her eyes. “He looked like he hated me. Like he didn’t know me.”
Lily knew that Mary and Marls had been telling her that for as long as she’d been at Hogwarts– but she’d always ignored it, hoping that Sev would change. That as long as she was friends with him and encouraged him to be a better person, he would actually carry through with it. She thought that maybe he would change.
And the fact that Mary and Marls had been telling her that it would never happen only encouraged Lily to prove them wrong. To prove them all wrong. She really believed in herself. Now… was she actually able to do anything? It would make sense if Mary and Marls were ashamed to know her. She would be, if she was in their shoes. She’d worked five years, all for nothing. It was awful. They wouldn’t want to know her, she knew.
“Lily…” Mary and Marls sat on either side of her, rubbing her back. “Lily,” Marls said, ever the comforter, “It’ll be ok.”
“I never wanted you to hate me,” Lily murmured, not being able to hold back her darkest, worst fear. “I didn’t want him to hate me, I didn’t want you guys to hate me. I didn’t want any of this to happen.”
“We would never hate you, Lily,” Mary insisted. “Lily, what on earth would make you think that?”
“I was so… so sure that I would be able to– I don’t know, fix him– and you both said I couldn’t, so I–” Lily was so confused. Normally she was able to put her words together like magnets– but right now her words were puzzle pieces. And she wasn’t able to find the solution.
“We would never hate you,” Mary repeated, firmly.
“I was so stupid,” Lily cried. “So, so stupid.”
“You were not stupid,” Marls said, her voice strangely strong. “You were being Lily. You were loving people and being a wonderful friend, and none of this is your fault.” Lily glanced up at Marls, who was giving her an intensely stern look. “You hear me? None of this is your fault.”
Lily nodded slowly, as if she was moving through water. “Ok.”
“Good.” Marls rested her chin on the top of Lily’s head, tugging her in for a hug. “We love you, Lily. Don’t you dare forget that.”
“I don’t want to ever talk to him again,” Lily said, fiercely. “I can’t, I won’t.” She looked up at her friends for support. “Ok?”
“Ok,” They said, in sync.
“Look,” Mary said, after a pause, “Why not take a moment up here– get cleaned up, wash your face. We’ll go down to dinner, and if you don’t come down, we’ll bring you some food. Ok?”
“Yeah, thank you,” Lily said, and she scrubbed her eyes. Her two best friends walked downstairs, and Lily sat on the edge of the bed for another full minute before standing and walking over to the bathroom sink. She had mascara running around her eyes and her hair was frizzy and all bent up on one side– probably where she had been laying in the Room. She washed her face, rinsing the mascara off as best as she could, and brushed her hair, braiding it quickly. She breathed a sigh in the mirror and steeled herself.
This could be her change– right? Before, she’d let Sev walk all over her. She’d allowed Dirk to do that. She was going to be stronger. It had happened for a reason, and Lily wasn’t going to ignore the chance that she had.
Upon entering the Great Hall, though, she immediately saw James. The two locked eyes for a moment, and then she turned on her heel and stormed angrily out of the hall. She’d almost forgotten about what he’d done. He’d betrayed her trust– the moment that she’d held out a hand, let out her feelings, started to trust him, he’d gone and f*cked it all up.
She never imagined that it would end that way.
